


By Live Voice

by vass



Category: FAQ: The "Snake Fight" Portion Of Your Thesis Defense (McSweeney's Post) - Luke Burns, Undisclosed Fandom
Genre: Achievement unlocked: Saved the day with the power of music, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Snake Academia (or Snacademia)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:35:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27876170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vass/pseuds/vass
Summary: "Ms Maeve Owen will be defending her dissertation at 9:00am in the Alfred Hall. You will be attacking at 9:30. Please be punctual."
Comments: 9
Kudos: 71
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	By Live Voice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tiriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiriel/gifts).



> The university depicted is fictional. Any resemblance to any existing universities or other educational institutions is accidental. In case of snakebite, please seek urgent medical attention. Have a wonderful Yuletide.

you've got to jump into the center  
and launch your attack  
and then you've got to crawl back  
in the corners  
where it's really black  
(i will meet you in the corners  
where it's really black)  
\- ani di franco, 'circle of light'

Ssomeone has pushed the letter through the front slot of Ississ' cubbyhole. She has to pull it all the way through before she can open the flap and slide herself out, rib by rib. The university crest letterhead is vissible through the envelope, but even without that clue there was only one thing it could have been. Ississ has a post office box in town for most of her mail, so it won't block the front door, but the university likes to send these notifications to every address they have for you. Ississ has been avoiding her email all week, but no doubt it's there as well.

"Ms Maeve Owen will be defending her dissertation at 9:00am on Friday the 13th of November in the Alfred Hall. You will be attacking at 9:30. Please be punctual."

*

Ississ looks up her adversary on the faculty webssite. She looks harmless enough in her portrait. Frozen smile at the camera, thick glasses. Her area of research is computational genomics. No focus on snakes that Ississ can see. She'd prefer not to have to fight a snake researcher, for all ssorts of reasons.

Nothing much on Facebook: family overseas, mother likes to share memes that were outdated back when they were email forwards. No little brother with a pet snake, no obvious history of animal cruelty, no membership in a martial arts society, no obvious weaknessses like fragile bones or asthma.

*

The first things Ississ notices about her adversary are her hair and shoes. Ms Owen has mouse-brown hair, almost good enough to eat. Her shoes are brown cow leather, of an unfashionable design. Orthotic, Ississ realises after a moment's thought. Ississ always looks at humans' shoes after her friend Ssynthia's failed dissertation attack. The candidate had worn snakeskin boots.

*

Watching from her vantage point in the rolled up projection screen, Ississ sees Ms Owen fiddle with her phone. She brought her phone to her dissertation defense? On ssilent, surely, but such a risk! Had she not heard of students who, calling for help, learned too late that their assigned auditorium was a Faraday cage? Or that one infamous case ( _dear_ Ssamantha) where an attacker flashed new firmware on the candidate's inssecure phone, turning it into a bomb? Is she not even worried it'll ring while she's answering questions? She's placing it on the floor. A vibration starts advancing along the sslippery polished parquet floorboards. Ississ is deaf, but she was boarded by a human handler in her childhood, to diminish her fear of human beings, and she recognises this particular pattern of vibrations. Linkin Park, 'Nobody's Lisstening'.

Interessting choice. It's no pungi, but she'd dance under different circumstances. As it is, she stays where she is.

Ms Owen frowns and picks up her phone. The vibrations still. She makes some adjustment to the touchscreen, then places it back in her bag and zips it up, hangs it back on the lectern. Then she crouches on the floor and glances sidelong again at where she seems to think Ississ is hiding. 

This is getting frusstrating. Ississ wants to attack her now. But if Ms Owen loses patience first and crouches down to try to pry her out of the wrong hidey-hole, Ississ' opportunity will be perfect, and that's worth waiting longer for.

What is Ms Owen doing? She is stomping on the ground in her ugly orthotic shoes. She is clapping her hands. It's a strong, recognisable pattern. Stomp, stomp, clap. Stomp, stomp, clap. Ississ flattens herself against the wall to feel it more closely. Stomp, stomp, clap. The rhythm enters her bones. Is thiss what being hypnotised is like? She slithers down the wall, unrolling the heavy white cloth with her as she goes. It flaps loudly behind her as she slides to the floor.

Ms Owen turns and looks at her, still stomping, still clapping. Ississ's trance breaks. What has she done? Exposed herself just because a human plays an old Queen riff? Ms Owen is singing. Ississ can't hear the words, but she can feel the faint buzz of them through the floor, and knows from popular culture osmossis what they are. "We will, we will rock you." There's no value in retreating to this hollow again. Ississ can either try to slide past Ms Owen to another vantage point, or she can attack now and hope the candidate's musical distraction cancels out the tempo Ississ has thrown away. She launches herself at Ms Owen.

Her plan for this part of the engagement hasn't changed: her best chance is to make her way up to Ms Owen's neck, bite her there, then squeeze for as long as she can. Ississ' venom isn't strong, by human standards, but it will certainly cause swelling, and human airways don't like to swell. Likewise, she's not strong enough to do much damage to Ms Owen by constricting her unless she chooses her location carefully. She might break the hyoid bone if Ms Owen is very unlucky. Otherwise... if the human can't tear Ississ off in time, she'll need to tap out or fall unconscious. And then Ississ will win. If she can get to the neck. If she can bite and squeeze before being torn off. Thiss is her plan, and it is time to put it into action, now, now, now!

A blur of motion follows, too fast for Ississ to process, and at the conclusion a strong, freckled hand is gripping her behind her head, and the rest of her is dangling helplessly in mid-air as she tries to swing herself into some form of useful mobility. They are moving, Ms Owen is moving her... back to the podium, apparently, where she unzips her handbag and takes out something.

An unbleached calico bag. It smells of grains, and if Ississ weren't so panicked she'd sniff for mice, but she couldn't eat one now even if Ms Owen dropped it into her open jaws. Instead, Ms Owen is dropping her into the calico bag and pulling the drawstring tight.

It's dark in here, but not dark enough. She's still in mid-air and in motion, but at least she can move her head again, although there's no human flesh within reach for her to bite.

The candidate has defeated Ississ, but she's alive. She hopes Ms Owen will be quick about completing the rest of her defense. Ississ doesn't want to spend another hour of today in this ssack. She has a sseminar tomorrow to prepare for, and three textss to review by Friday, and her ssupervisor will still be expecting a reply about last week's chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> here is a thought which I didn't end up having room to include but still want to share with you: The "Bear Fight" Portion Of Your Yuletide Assignment.


End file.
